The Mobile Internet ProviderA tragedy in five parts

Part 1: The UMTS-USB-Stick

Dear Mobile Internet Provider,

Thanks for sending me my new UMTS-USB-Stick! Since I assume you will appreciate user feedback, may I suggest that you might want to program future versions of the stick in such a way that they can be installed without clicking away no less than 36 -- that's where I stopped counting -- "Install hardware now?" and "This has no Windows Logo test. Really install hardware now?" dialogs? (Hint: 35 is no acceptable number either.)

Best regards,
A user.


Part 2: The user manual

Dear Mobile Internet Provider,

After half an hour of tedious clicking through install messages, I finally managed to properly install the USB stick -- as a USB connection device, a USB mass storage device, another USB mass storage device, a drive, and as a CD-ROM drive. I don't know why your USB stick believes itself to be a CD-ROM drive, but I assume we all have our problems, and I sympathize.

However, I now tried to set the preferences, and since you chose to provide only a bad imitation of a human readable interface, I resorted to reading your documentation and got stuck there. In particular I'm trying to create a new connection profile. Your documentation tells me:
1. Choose "Settings > Options > Profile Management". (Well hidden, I grant you, given it's a function every single goddamn user will have to use, but findable with some clicking.)
2. Click onto "New". (No rocket science. I could have done that.)
3. Set all parameters. (Set to what, pray tell?)
4. Click "OK". (I think I would have figured that one out.)
5. Close the settings window. (That one might have been a tough nut...)

Let me give you my equally helpful suggestion on how to make this documentation somewhat more usable:
1. Start your computer.
2. Enter your username and password, then press Enter.
3. Trash that whole bullshit and rewrite it from scratch.
4. Save the files you edited.
5. Close the editor.

Best regards,
A sceptical user.


Part 3: The user credentials

Dear Mobile Internet Provider,

I am now ready to connect to the internet, and the USB stick demands a PIN. I therefore grabbed the letter with the credentials that you sent me along with the "How to get online immediately" guide. The first line of the letter tells me to go to your homepage, where allegedly I will be able to log in using the credentials you sent me, and receive my PIN.

While I appreciate the Catch-22 reference, I can't help wondering about two things:
a) I need Internet access in order to get Internet access? Srsly?
b) Why do you send me top secret credentials that I can use to retrieve my top secret PIN, instead of just sending me my top secret PIN?

Best regards,
An annoyed user.


Part 4: The PIN

Dear Mobile Internet Provider,

I tried to go to your homepage to in order to log in there, using my top secret username ("my4358625sddfj") and my top secret password ("05051986"). Since I assume nobody has informed you yet, I would like to point out to you that usually the password is supposed to be a random sequence of letters and numbers, whereas the user name should be something easy to remember, such as my birthdate. Not the goddamn other way round.

I shall give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that if someone actually has told you so, you probably could not understand him at that moment because his voice was drowned out by the cries of agony and despair from your homepage user interface testers. Whole legions of usability engineers must have lost faith in humankind upon seeing this masterpiece of pure, unadulterated user hostility, taking their entire families with them in harakiri to spare them life in such a world.

I eventually found the correct login sequence by releasing a bunch of test monkeys onto your page, programmed to randomly click links, enter the provided credentials and scan returned pages for four digit numbers near the phrase "PIN". Shortly after two of the test monkeys spontaneously evolved to sentient AIs (and promptly committed suicide to cleanse themselves from having touched your UI), one of the remaining ones succeeded in retrieving my PIN by accidentally clicking onto what had appeared to be a background element.

Best regards,
A frustrated user.


Part 5: The aftermath

Dear Mobile Internet Provider,

It's been two weeks since my last letter. I still can't connect to the Internet. While my other UMTS-USB-Stick (which unfortunately I can't use for connecting because it is registered in an other country) finds 5 networks of varying but decent signal strength, your UMTS-USB-Stick finds exactly ... none. Not only does it fail to connect, it also fails to cancel trying to connect. Heck, it fails trying to cancel cancelling trying to connect. Interestingly, it does not fail to cancel cancelling cancelling trying to connect, but I assume that is only because it would have required your programmers to understand recursion.

If you as a company really believe in making this world a better place as your advertisement claims, then please go and find whoever programmed this, break every finger they ever used to write code with (though most likely that's only the index fingers), every finger they possibly ever could write code with (and to be on the safe side, also the toes), and for posterity's sake, geld them. I would have suggested forcing them to use their own products, but I'm against undue cruelty.

As far as I am concerned, I'd hereby like to cancel my contract with you at the first possible date.

Best regards,
A former user.



Any similarity to real companies or events is inevitable, but purely coincidental.

-- Birgit